May 29
Posted under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven, Journey towards wholeness by MicheleP.
When we first started to chronicle our story, we were in the hospital with Gideon and Grace, and Scott would write at night while I slept as a way to communicate with our friends and family but also as a much needed emotional outlet for what we were facing at the time. We titled it “Stories [...] [...more]
When we first started to chronicle our story, we were in the hospital with Gideon and Grace, and Scott would write at night while I slept as a way to communicate with our friends and family but also as a much needed emotional outlet for what we were facing at the time. We titled it “Stories of Love and Anger” as most of what we felt fell into one of those two categories: our hearts filled with love for our unborn children but also filled with such anger at our circumstances. We (well, rather Scott as I was unable to even sit up at the time) were open, honest and let people in on the real emotion of the time.
Following the death of Gideon and Grace, any love I felt quickly gave way to anger. Instead of re-naming the blog to a more fitting “Stories of Anger”, the chronicles just came to a screeching halt. Why? I think perhaps I was afraid to show others – and to admit to myself – just how dark my world had become. Where the hardest task of the day was just waking up – and coming to the realization yet again that no, it wasn’t a nightmare – it was real life – and it was mine and it not only hurt – it made me angry.
Everyone was so supportive of us and after hearing “You are so strong”, “I don’t know how you do this”, “I wish I had your faith” over and over again, I felt like I couldn’t possibly show people what was really happening inside. Afterall, what kind of testimony would that be if they knew just how angry I really was…
At doctors for not doing more.
At everyone around me for moving on with life.
At my children for dying.
At myself for failing them.
And
At my God for allowing it all to happen.
And now, looking back, I have regrets. I regret not being honest with myself and with others because I don’t think anyone can appreciate what God has done in my heart unless they know how completely messed up it was. It’s like seeing a piece of artwork – you think, “Oh, that’s great” but had you been allowed to watch as the artist started with a blank canvas and slowly and methodically created a beautiful work of art you would have a totally different perspective. You would have seen the labor of love that went into the creation and you would have seen the painter create something from nothing.
And so it is with me – despite the intense anger, resentment and even rage towards my very own Creator, I have been shown mercy, compassion and healing at every turn. When I yelled and cursed at God, he simply loved me through it all. He took the very ugly canvas of my heart and began to transform it into something completely different. Because somewhere in the midst of all the anger and the rage, I began to understand and experience love once again.
And so, is my painting complete? Hardly. My story isn’t complete as I still have a lifetime of learning, of healing and of loving to do.
From stories of love…to the untold stories of anger…to simply my stories…Stories of My Life.
Nov 22
Posted under Journey towards wholeness, Life, Puerto Rico by MicheleP.
As I sit here on Thanksgiving morning and think about our big lack of plans for the day, it’s tempting to try to get melancholy about where I’m at… I struggle to feel “at home” here. I struggle because it’s a foreign place to me. I don’t fit in, haven’t made any friends, don’t have a church, [...] [...more]
As I sit here on Thanksgiving morning and think about our big lack of plans for the day, it’s tempting to try to get melancholy about where I’m at…
I struggle to feel “at home” here. I struggle because it’s a foreign place to me. I don’t fit in, haven’t made any friends, don’t have a church, and can’t communicate with any of my neighbors, well, that’s if I HAD any neighbors to actually communicate with.
So where does that leave me this Thanksgiving?
Sitting in a safe and (mostly) comfortable condo…80 degrees outside with a nice breeze coming off the ocean…drinking some excellent local coffee with Pumpkin Spice love (which, btw, is almost as good as the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks)…my husband working on some plans for our new home, my girls happily watching some kids show in Spanish and saying “Mama! They’re talking Spanish. I can talk Spanish too…uno, dos, tres”…
And you know, it’s actually hard to be melancholy. I don’t mean I haven’t had my moments -because I have. I’ve cried, I’ve been scared, I’ve cried, I’ve been disappointed, I’ve cried, I’ve worried and wondered what on earth we have done and I’ve cried some more.
But the reality is that amidst all of the fear, frustrations and tears, I have peace – because it’s hard to have anything but peace when you are smack dab in the middle of God’s will for your life. No matter how difficult any one thing might be and how many times I may cry over the ants, mosquitoes, power outages, ridiculous traffic, language barriers, ETC. – I wouldn’t trade the peace I have for any of those things.
And THAT’s the honest truth.
Jul 20
Posted under Infertility, Journey towards wholeness by MicheleP.
Earlier this week, Scott and I were sitting having some coffee after dropping the girls off at school (this day dating thing can be quite addictive) – I was going on and on about my “what-if” concerns about our upcoming embryo transfer – basically just being a stressball, worry-wart and pessimist about the whole thing (now, [...] [...more]
Earlier this week, Scott and I were sitting having some coffee after dropping the girls off at school (this day dating thing can be quite addictive) – I was going on and on about my “what-if” concerns about our upcoming embryo transfer – basically just being a stressball, worry-wart and pessimist about the whole thing (now, doesn’t that sound attractive?)
“But WHAT IF we go through this whole thing… and get to the transfer and our embryos don’t survive the thaw – and we don’t even get the opportunity to transfer them?” And my sweet husband, after giving me ample time to vent my concerns, replies with, “You know, we really are in a win-win situation.”
Thinking he was getting ready to go through all the advantages of having a small(er) family, I started off on my “But-but-but,  how frustrating to spend ALL this time and energy and have nothing to show for it…” and he (kindly) interrupted…
“No – that’s not what I’m talking about. You, me, our children… we really are in a true win-win situation.” He went on to tell me about a visit he had recently with an old friend of the family who is in the hospital with severe injuries from a horrible auto accident. As his friend laid in the bed, he said, “You know Scott, as I sit here in this hospital dangerously close to death – for the first time in my life, I truely understand what Paul meant when he said “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Phil 1:21).
Oh – that kind of win-win 
I really like how The Message says it:
Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.
Win-Win. Life-Life. We either get life with these babies – or they get LIFE everlasting!
Man, I needed that reminder. As much as I try to make this all about me, it’s so NOT about me.
May 24
Posted under Journey towards wholeness, Life by MicheleP.
We’ve lived in our home for almost 2 years now and still have some lingering house projects – namely getting window coverings on our windows that actually work. I’ve been “working on” the front windows for several months now. “Working” defined as thinking about, browsing, shopping, etc… but clearly having nothing to show for all [...] [...more]
We’ve lived in our home for almost 2 years now and still have some lingering house projects – namely getting window coverings on our windows that actually work. I’ve been “working on” the front windows for several months now. “Working” defined as thinking about, browsing, shopping, etc… but clearly having nothing to show for all of my efforts thus far.
A few weeks ago I was at my wit’s end with not being able to open my front blinds and declared that I was going out and would be coming home with new blinds, curtains or something that I could open and close for my windows. I hit all the major stores and no one had anything in stock that was the right size and it was looking like I was headed for the dreaded C-word: Custom Order.
Custom means we would get the exact same thing as ready-made but because we needed it 4 inches longer, would pay 2 or 3 times as much. So. Very. Frustrating. But, before I headed home in defeat, I stopped at one last place and they actually had the right size in stock. There were only 3 colors to choose from – brown, green and gold. Kind of odd if you ask me – no white or off-white or taupe, but we had just painted our dining room a nice gold color and I thought the gold ones would actually work so I bought them home and showed them to Scott.
“They are either going to look really good…or really bad,” he said. Yeah, he was right – there was no in between with these shades. We held them up, stepped back and both declared that they worked! Yay! After almost 2 years of broken blinds, I was so ready for something new!
The next day, Scott was so very gracious and even took the morning to install the new shades. I was thrilled with how well they looked in my dining room and very proud of finding them off the shelf to avoid the dreaded Custom order. As he was installing them, I had to take the girls somewhere so I loaded them up in the car and began to back out of the driveway. As I looked up at the front window… I saw the most horrible sight…my front windows…beaming with BRIGHT. GOLD. SHADES.
Truth be told, it honestly never occured to me that you could see these from the outside. Yes, I am very well aware that glass is transparent (the blond doesn’t go all the way to the roots) but I was so focused on how it looked on the inside that I never even stopped for a minute to think about what they would look like on the outside. I ran inside just as Scott was installing the 3rd…and final…shade and told him that they wouldn’t work at all – as they looked hideous from the outside.
(Side note: my sweet husband only smiled and said…”so you don’t want me to put up this third one, do you?” Such a keeper, I tell ya).
As I drove off with the girls, thinking about those shades and how awful they looked from the outside, I had one of those times where you have a moment…. Oprah calls them “A-HA” moments. They are my “God moments”. Â
You see, I know my heart is no different than those shades. Whatever is on the inside – will eventually show on the outside. When I hold resentment, anger, bitterness in my heart… you know – all those things that I tend to be so skilled at hanging onto – it will be displayed for all to see in my actions and relationships with others. How I treat others is a direct reflection of the color…the condition… of my heart. As with the windows on my home, my heart is just as transparent to the outside world as well.
Whoo boy. Nothining like a good swift kick in the pants first thing in the morning, eh?
Oh – and by the way, the ‘Custom’ shades have been ordered and will arrive in another 2-3 weeks. And they are white. On BOTH sides.
Dec 13
Posted under Journey towards wholeness, Life by MicheleP.
Today Clara was determined to wear sunglasses but unfortunately her Dollar Store glasses had seen better days. She would put them on and one side would pop off. So what does she do? She brings them to Mama to fix of course! “Fis, Mama,” she said. But as soon as I could fix them, they [...] [...more]
Today Clara was determined to wear sunglasses but unfortunately her Dollar Store glasses had seen better days. She would put them on and one side would pop off. So what does she do? She brings them to Mama to fix of course! “Fis, Mama,” she said. But as soon as I could fix them, they would break again. We went through this at least 10 times before I had enough and told her the the glasses were broken. She looked up at me with sad eyes and confirmed, “Gasses boke?â€Â “Yep sweetie – they are broken. I’m sorry.” She sat there for a minute and and then looked at me again and then declared, “Gasses boke. Gasses tash.” And with that, she marched over to the trashcan and deposited the glasses in the trash. Evidently she has picked up on the value of all things broken.
Later today I was listening to some music and the song ‘Broken and Beautiful’ by Mark Schultz came on. I’ve heard this song many times before but today I really stopped and listened to the words.
There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife
A smiling face with a shattered life
A teenage girl with a choice to make
It’s crowded here in church today
And the preacher says as the sermon ends
“Please close your eyes, bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer,
Oh Jesus wants to meet you hereâ€
Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned
But when you let, God’s grace break in Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sinBut tears rolled down as hope rushed in
He closed his eyes, raised his hands
Worshipping the God who can
Bring him back to life again
(Chorus)
And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all
Than when His sons and daughters call, broken
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Beautiful
Too often, I get into this self absorbed mentality that I must be strong all the time. That in order for God to use me, I must have it all together. That weakness is not useful or even desired. Afterall, who has a need for anything that is broken? Even my two year old children understand the value of all things broken. Broken = Trash. And yet, the truth of the matter is that God can use me MORE through my brokenness than through my strength. Broken – not trash, not something to discard, not something that can’t be fixed. But beautiful. Â
Sep 26
Posted under Journey towards wholeness, Life by MicheleP.
Flashback to February 2003. I was in the hospital trying desperately to hold onto a pregnancy and fighting for the lives of Gideon and Grace. During our time in the hospital, our troubled spirits were poorly attended to by the hospital. They have phenomenal medical care, and a caring nursing staff, but no one is equipped to guide [...] [...more]
Flashback to February 2003. I was in the hospital trying desperately to hold onto a pregnancy and fighting for the lives of Gideon and Grace. During our time in the hospital, our troubled spirits were poorly attended to by the hospital. They have phenomenal medical care, and a caring nursing staff, but no one is equipped to guide you through the intense fear and pain you experience along the way. No one – except for someone who has been there.
On the second or third day there, we received an email from a woman named Jenni Saake. Jenni was the director for an organization called Hannah’s Prayer – an online ministry offering Christian support to families experiencing infertility, miscarriage and early infant death. I had never heard of Hannah’s Prayer and little did I know how that one email from Jenni would have such a lasting impact on my life. Soon after that email from Jenni, we began to receive a second and then a third and then so many that we lost count. Hundreds of women – emailing us their support and encouragement and telling us that they were praying for us. Us. Complete strangers to them and yet they were taking time to pray for us.After Gideon and Grace died, I needed to be able to talk to friends who understood what I was going through. I needed to know that I wasn’t the only one on this journey of grief. I needed someone to tell me that I would survive and I found that from the women at HP. I’ve spent the last 3+ years developing some of the deepest friendships I’ve ever had. I’ve poured my heart out to these ladies and they have in turn poured out theirs to me.
 A year ago, I was approached with an invitation to join the Board of Directors for HP. I was humbled to be asked to serve and I gladly accepted. The women of Hannah’s Prayer have been a lifeline for me through some of the best and worst days of my life. I am grateful to be able to serve in such an amazing and life impacting ministry.
We are currently in the midst of our annual pledge drive. As with any ministry, there is a financial burden. Up until now, God has blessed Hannah’s Prayer Ministries through the gifts of various generous givers and a few occasional fundraisers. With the rapid growth of this ministry, we are reaching the limits of our financial budget. That is why I am writing this now – we need your help. Would you be willing to share the blessings you have received with this incredible ministry?
I would be personally honored if you would consider a donation to Hannah’s Prayer in memory of Gideon and Grace. Hannah’s Prayer Ministries is a California based, non-profit 501©(3) organization. All donations are tax deductible and you will recieve a receipt for your donation. You can mail checks to:
Hannah’s Prayer Ministries
P.O. Box 3321
Borger, TX 79008
Or you may donate funds online through http://www.paypal.com,
1. Go to http://www.paypal.com and log into your account (or sign up for an account, if you do not have one)
2. Choose “Send Moneyâ€
3. Use paypal@hannah.org as the recipient’s e-mail address
4. You can use goods (other), if asked for category of purchase
5. Please simply put pledge donation in the e-mail subject
6. Then, hit continue and you will be asked to verify the transaction and hit send money.
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