Feb 12

Death, Heaven and Ketchup

Posted under Clara and Libby, Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven by MicheleP.

One thing that has been different about this anniversary of Gideon and Grace’s birthday is that I’ve felt a strong burden to share more of their story with Libby and Clara. We have shared briefly on a couple of occasions but I don’t think any of it “stuck” with them. In fact, I’m pretty sure if you asked either girl about Gideon or Grace, you would be met with a blank stare.

So last night over a dinner of Puerto Rican* style Chinese takeout, we explained a little more about what the day meant and why it was special. After a fairly detailed discussion about a brother…a sister…sickness…death…Heaven…and dogs (because anytime the subject of death and Heaven come up, so do our dead dogs) the girls sat quietly, simply taking it all in. After a few more seconds, we asked,

“Girls, do you have any other questions?”

To which Clara responds,

“Mom – can I have more ketchup?”

And so it seemed that with that, our deep discussion was complete and the ketchup was passed.
Until later that night.

A little before bedtime, Clara climbed in my lap, wrapped her arms around me, put her head on my chest and said, “Mama, I miss my brother and sister. I wish I could play with them.” I held back the tears as I held her tight. “Me too, sweetie. Me too.”

*Puerto Rican style Chinese – in addition to the usual (non-authentic) Chinese food, you also get papas fritas (french fries) and tostones (fried plantains) with your order. Hence the requirement of ketchup in case you were wondering.


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Feb 11

It’s February 11th…Again.

Posted under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven by MicheleP.

I have this feeling that I’m supposed to write. Something. Anything. A million different thoughts linger in my foggy head. And yet once again – I’m left without words. Or at least no words that seem appropriate or worthy or fitting for this season of remembrance. It is quite fitting, however, that we’ve had several straight days of rain here. As much as I know in my head that the rain is refreshing and needed for renewal and growth, I long for it to end and for the sun to come out and dry everything up again.


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May 29

So what happened to the ‘anger’?

Posted under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven, Journey towards wholeness by MicheleP.

When we first started to chronicle our story, we were in the hospital with Gideon and Grace, and Scott would write at night while I slept as a way to communicate with our friends and family but also as a much needed emotional outlet for what we were facing at the time. We titled it “Stories of Love and Anger” as most of what we felt fell into one of those two categories: our hearts filled with love for our unborn children but also filled with such anger at our circumstances. We (well, rather Scott as I was unable to even sit up at the time) were open, honest and let people in on the real emotion of the time.

Following the death of Gideon and Grace, any love I felt quickly gave way to anger. Instead of re-naming the blog to a more fitting “Stories of Anger”, the chronicles just came to a screeching halt. Why? I think perhaps I was afraid to show others – and to admit to myself – just how dark my world had become. Where the hardest task of the day was just waking up – and coming to the realization yet again that no, it wasn’t a nightmare – it was real life – and it was mine and it not only hurt – it made me angry.

Everyone was so supportive of us and after hearing “You are so strong”, “I don’t know how you do this”, “I wish I had your faith” over and over again, I felt like I couldn’t possibly show people what was really happening inside. Afterall, what kind of testimony would that be if they knew just how angry I really was…

At doctors for not doing more.

At everyone around me for moving on with life.

At my children for dying.

At myself for failing them.


At my God for allowing it all to happen.

And now, looking back, I have regrets. I regret not being honest with myself and with others because I don’t think anyone can appreciate what God has done in my heart unless they know how completely messed up it was. It’s like seeing a piece of artwork – you think, “Oh, that’s great” but had you been allowed to watch as the artist started with a blank canvas and slowly and methodically created a beautiful work of art you would have a totally different perspective. You would have seen the labor of love that went into the creation and you would have seen the painter create something from nothing.

And so it is with me – despite the intense anger, resentment and even rage towards my very own Creator, I have been shown mercy, compassion and healing at every turn. When I yelled and cursed at God, he simply loved me through it all. He took the very ugly canvas of my heart and began to transform it into something completely different. Because somewhere in the midst of all the anger and the rage, I began to understand and experience love once again.

And so, is my painting complete? Hardly. My story isn’t complete as I still have a lifetime of learning, of healing and of loving to do.

From stories of love…to the untold stories of anger…to simply my stories…Stories of My Life.


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Feb 11


Posted under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven by MicheleP.

5 years.

Of absence.

Of pain.

Of tears.

Of anger.

Of questions.


Of Healing.

5 years ago today you blessed this world. Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angels.


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Jul 29


Posted under Clara and Libby, Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven, Infertility, Life by ScottP.

Here’s our entry for the International Infertility Film Festival.

Watch the video below or click here to see the video.

And don’t forget to go to the festival and see the others and vote!

YouTube Preview Image

Comments (32)

Feb 11

Because of you

Posted under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven by MicheleP.

Your birthday. It’s hard to know what to say, much less what to feel, today.  On a day that should be joyous, there is so much pain in my heart. And yet, even though the pain is deep, I cannot imagine nor would I ever desire a world in which you weren’t born. I’m a changed person because of you.

I’ve been broken. I’ve learned how much I need other people in my life.

I’ve been humbled. I’ve learned what it means to really love someone more than yourself.

I’ve been desperate. I’ve learned how much I need God’s healing power in my life.

So, on your birthday, I am thankful. I am thankful for you, for your life and for what I’ve learned through you.

Happy Birthday Gideon and Grace – I love you!


It’s okay to cry. I’m wiping the tears away.

It’s okay to hurt. I’m mending your wounds.

It’s okay to be empty. I’m filling your heart.


Comments (5)