So what happened to the ‘anger’?

Posted May 29th, 2008 under Gideon and Grace - My babies in Heaven, Journey towards wholeness by MicheleP.

When we first started to chronicle our story, we were in the hospital with Gideon and Grace, and Scott would write at night while I slept as a way to communicate with our friends and family but also as a much needed emotional outlet for what we were facing at the time. We titled it “Stories of Love and Anger” as most of what we felt fell into one of those two categories: our hearts filled with love for our unborn children but also filled with such anger at our circumstances. We (well, rather Scott as I was unable to even sit up at the time) were open, honest and let people in on the real emotion of the time.

Following the death of Gideon and Grace, any love I felt quickly gave way to anger. Instead of re-naming the blog to a more fitting “Stories of Anger”, the chronicles just came to a screeching halt. Why? I think perhaps I was afraid to show others – and to admit to myself – just how dark my world had become. Where the hardest task of the day was just waking up – and coming to the realization yet again that no, it wasn’t a nightmare – it was real life – and it was mine and it not only hurt – it made me angry.

Everyone was so supportive of us and after hearing “You are so strong”, “I don’t know how you do this”, “I wish I had your faith” over and over again, I felt like I couldn’t possibly show people what was really happening inside. Afterall, what kind of testimony would that be if they knew just how angry I really was…

At doctors for not doing more.

At everyone around me for moving on with life.

At my children for dying.

At myself for failing them.

And

At my God for allowing it all to happen.

And now, looking back, I have regrets. I regret not being honest with myself and with others because I don’t think anyone can appreciate what God has done in my heart unless they know how completely messed up it was. It’s like seeing a piece of artwork – you think, “Oh, that’s great” but had you been allowed to watch as the artist started with a blank canvas and slowly and methodically created a beautiful work of art you would have a totally different perspective. You would have seen the labor of love that went into the creation and you would have seen the painter create something from nothing.

And so it is with me – despite the intense anger, resentment and even rage towards my very own Creator, I have been shown mercy, compassion and healing at every turn. When I yelled and cursed at God, he simply loved me through it all. He took the very ugly canvas of my heart and began to transform it into something completely different. Because somewhere in the midst of all the anger and the rage, I began to understand and experience love once again.

And so, is my painting complete? Hardly. My story isn’t complete as I still have a lifetime of learning, of healing and of loving to do.

From stories of love…to the untold stories of anger…to simply my stories…Stories of My Life.

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11 Comments

  • 1

    Oh boy can I relate. Thank you for speaking my heart… if nothing else, this 10-year trial has taught me more about God’s love for me than any other thing would have or could have. And He knew it.

    Comment by Daneen — May 29, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

  • 2

    You rock. Girl.

    Comment by ScottP — May 29, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

  • 3

    Wow! Thank you for sharing this Michele. I really needed to read this. It has blessed my heart.

    Comment by Leigh Ann — May 29, 2008 @ 9:24 pm

  • 4

    I don’t know what to say other then I get it. I think I am a better person for knowing you.

    Comment by Traci — May 29, 2008 @ 10:26 pm

  • 5

    That was a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I think sometimes all we can offer God is our honesty, whether that be anger, rage, doubt, you name it. One time I walked out of worship when we were singing, “How Great is our God”. I remember thinking at the time, “Um, God, I’m not thinking you’re so great right now.” And you know what? He met me in that moment with such compassion and mercy. All I could offer was my honesty, and He honored AND redeemed it.

    Thanks for sharing your heart. It blessed me this morning.

    Comment by Meredith — May 30, 2008 @ 6:54 am

  • 6

    My friend who has gone through a similar experience said that she was so fed up with people telling her how strong she was – as she didn’t really feel that strong but like you she didn’t show it outwards. I think that is strong in a way, and I am so happy for both her and you that you have finally had the chance to go from anger to love..
    (I have to admit that I have read your blog name as Love and DANGER for so long!!).

    Comment by Petra — May 30, 2008 @ 8:21 am

  • 7

    LOL Petra – Love and Danger – might be rather appropriate sometimes too :)

    Comment by MicheleP — May 30, 2008 @ 10:33 am

  • 8

    I think it helps people more when you can just be real. It’s hard to admit that you aren’t Suzie Sunday School all the time – but we are all human and we all have emotions. And it helps to know that someone can love God and be angry with Him at the same time. God understands.

    Comment by Kelly — May 30, 2008 @ 12:50 pm

  • 9

    **tears** Thank you for being real, Michele. I’ve read about a lot of loss this week and my heart has been wondering how in the world people cope with that, especially the loss of children and babies. In my own selfish world, this post helps ME a lot to understand in some very tiny way and meets me where I have been this week. But really, thank you for being real and vulnerable. I am in awe once again that we love and serve such an awesome God that we don’t have to be afraid of being angry with Him – that He loves us anyways and loves us through it. Thank you for sharing.

    Comment by Tara — May 30, 2008 @ 5:45 pm

  • 10

    Hi Michele. This is my first time to your blog. Oh my…

    I’m just so sorry to read about your losses. My heart breaks to even think of what you have endured.

    Thanks for allowing us to take a peek inside. This helps me to be there for my friends who need me after such great loss.

    …He took the very ugly canvas of my heart and began to transform it into something completely different. Because somewhere in the midst of all the anger and the rage, I began to understand and experience love once again.

    How true!!! I love your heart♥

    Comment by Susan — June 4, 2008 @ 9:29 am

  • 11

    Forgive me… you don’t know me, I’m a visitor from Jenny’s blog… but I couldn’t bear to not say something after reading all of your “Gideon and Grace” entries. What a gift from God you and your husband are that you have been able to share your journey with such humility, conviction, and vulnerability. These entries are a testament to God’s sovereignty and His offer of hope and eternity to those who receive His son. You are right, “Why NOT you?”

    Comment by Lisa B. — June 14, 2008 @ 10:06 am

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